So I walk in the office this morning with a big confident smile. Wearing one my lovely perfectly cut black pants and my well pressed buttoned up white shirt. I am thinking I look professional. Good! It’s about time those idiots take me seriously. I have 4 very important meetings today. I get in the office an hour earlier. I stare at the monitor holding up my starbucks cup and BOOOOM. Coffee is all over me and my poor white shirt has no become yellow. Ekhhh!!! This is not the first time this happen to me. There is a pattern. Everytime I wear something white I have to stain it.

1978-2004

Years later and I still cannot get over the fact that he is gone from my life.

PS: Picture above is NOT him. I just have a very similar one of him.

He says he cannot be friends with me for all those “I am”. He says he doesn’t have time in his life for all the drama in my life. He says he cannot be friends with an EX for all the confusion that comes with it. He says he doesn’t want to see my face or hear my name ever again.

He says many things and all I say is I am sorry you feel this way. I am sorry for being your happy person for so long. I am sorry for the one time I needed you to be my happy person, you thought I am whiny. I am sorry I am focused and I get what I want, but this is how I am. I am sorry I have issues that are not much less than yours. I am sorry that I was going through a rough time in my life that I got depressed. I am sorry that I need professional help and that you would not take me with you. I am sorry that I needed you in my life but that is what friends do; be there for their friends. I am sorry I am killing you; but wasn’t that your nickname to me “The Criminal”? I am sorry that I remind you of what a shit-head person you are; prior to today I had no idea you were one.

He says; I say.

Once, few years ago, I used to be a strong believer.

I believed that I am one lucky girl. I believed I am a lucky Muslim/Kuwaiti girl; I used to.

I used to think that one day I will grow to a stronger woman. A woman who would bring up children that are believers as well. Children that believe in the great religion we have. Children that believe in the great nation we belong to.

Few years ago, I used to be a strong believer. A believer who prayed 5 times a day. A believer who fasted and dreamt of performing her pilgrim. Now, this all has changed. I am no more a believer.

I lost my beliefs. I lost it all…

I am happy

I had this draft open for the past two hours. I really want to write a happy a post. I do!

I want to write a funny weird dramatic scene of my life just like I used to. But I am unable. My mind is blank and not being able to write a happy post depresses me ever more.

I am sorry. You can go ahead and boycott me now.

R. Reason to Smile? Being alive

That was my answer not even one year ago. I was a much happier person back then. What happened? I am Shopa, the happily forever girl now can’t stop obsessing about her death.

8:55 PM
Him: I’m OKay…you?

9:10 PM
Her: Can’t be any better…am leaving this country
Him: Leaving for good?
Her: Yup
Him: When is your flight?
Her: 10:30 PM
Him: Can I come?
Her: Why?
Him: I just wanna say goodbye
Her: How sweet
Him:Yeh
Her: Well, I will be at pizza express until 10 and then am going in. It’s really up to you although I don’t think it’s a good idea

9:40 PM and no sign of him. She pays her Pizza bill and start collecting her things.

9:45 PM she starts walking toward the passport gate and still no sign of him. There is a very long queue.

9:55 PM, she finally made it to the front. One person ahead of her. Her mobile rings.
Her: Hello?
Him: Where are you?
Her: I am the passport gate
Him: Don’t leave, I’m coming I’m coming

Call disconnects.

The immigration officer ask for her passport. She looks back and wonders if she should go back or just go in. She starts pushing her way back between all the people standing.

She saw him running towards her.
Him: Hi
Her: Hi
Him: Where you going?
Her: X city
Him: For how long?
Her: Few days
Him: So you lied?
Her: I didn’t
Him: Well, How are you?
Her: Good, and you?
Him: Good. Are you traveling for business or pleasure
Her: I need some time off and I have a job interview…I have to go, my flight

He extends his hand and holds her hand. He then hugs her so hard she starts crying. Few minutes later, people are staring at them. She is still crying. She pulls away.
Her: I have to go..
Him: Have a safe flight.
Her: Good bye

She walks away and stand in the line all over again. She looks back and sees him walking away slowly out of the airport.

Recently, I got to see the whole series episode after another. With every episode, she annoyed me even more. Late last night, I got to finish the series. Then it hit me. This is why Carries annoys me. Carrie reminds me of myself, the self I don’t like.

Why am I even writing about this? I have no idea. But there is this voice inside of me who keeps telling me I should so I will.

Carrie reminds me of myself. She is annoying. She keeps repeating her mistakes over and over again. Just like me, just like you. She fell for the wrong man who never gave her what she wanted. She met the perfect man, yet she cheated on him with her weakest link. And you are my weakest link. He gave her a second chance yet she freaked out. Commitment issue, sounds very familiar.

She is imperfect and that’s the only thing I like about her. I am imperfect. You are imperfect. Our lives are imperfect. Six years!! It took him six years to realize what she is to him. SIX YEARS and it didn’t matter to her….

Carrie is just one single girl who believes in love and I am one single girl who after you, lost faith in love….and life.